I'll be the first to admit that I'm no angel. I'll be the first to admit that the person that I am today is a complete 360 from who I was ten years ago. I didn't grow up wanting to be a politician so believe me there are more than a few skeletons in my closet. I'm not a felon or anything of that sort, the only person that suffered from my actions was ME. I'd call it self-sabotage. Yesterday, I had the "pleasure" of sharing things about my past with someone that I love. Honestly, these things could have been left in the dark where they are because believe me, I choose not to think about that PHASE of my life. To share such petty, non-thought out actions really let me see the error of my ways back then. I felt ashamed. Just thinking about the shell of an individual that I was is heartbreaking. Even more heartbreaking than reliving those times was the response that I got from the person that I love...I was told, "you're not the person that I thought you were", and "I kinda feel sorry for you..."
All I can say is WOW!
For too much time yesterday, I harped on the situation. I allowed my mind to wonder how and why this person could still care about me. The same thoughts that led me to such behavior was trying to rear it's ugly head. The same unconfident, unwise, unlearned behaviors that created such a past made me feel vulnerable and little. I was concerned about "how I was viewed". Those thoughts have carried over into today which is why I blogging about it now. I have read all of the self-help books I can stand, I've fasted & prayed for days on end, I've repented, I've come clean and turned from the error of my past. I've learned, grown and moved on....so WHY does this bother me? I think it bothers me because I felt that the person that I was talking to could love me unconditionally just the way that I love; however, I felt judged.
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2 comments:
I'm sorry that you didn't get a loving and supportive response from the person that you love. I think it was the right thing to talk to them and share that part of yourself. Even though you have moved on, the experiences have made you what you are now. It's important to recognize that.
Welcome to the blogosphere. I found you at Single Ma's site. I, too, am very fond of her. For a few years now, she is the only blogger I've been faithful too. I've got 2 young children so I don't have much time to peruse the blogosphere. (Not as much as I would like, anyway:)
I'm glad to have found you. I'm interested in reading more of your wizdom.
Peace.
Hi SF Mom!
Thank you for reading my blog. So far blogging has been quite an outlet, so if you ever find the time in your busy schedule I suggest you try it too.
In your comments you stated that you have been reading Single Ma's blog for a couple of years. I just stumbled upon it within the last few months but it has been a tremendous help. I hope that you have a chance to check out my blog from time to time. I'm sure that you will be feel enlightened or entertained by more than a few posts.
Take care of those kids and hubby, but most importantly take care of yourself.
From all directions I send Blessings, LiGhT & LoVe
Sage
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